Calling all beginners! There are two types of people at the ice rink: those who know what they’re doing, and those who should leave. Everyone starts somewhere, but if you’re looking to start off the right way, do your research and come prepared to dominate. As someone with over a decade of skating experience under my belt, you can trust my advice.

Don’t be nervous; seriously—most advanced skaters can smell fear. I like to start by finding a quiet place inside or adjacent to the rink. Here, I recite some positive affirmations: “You are enough,” “you are better than them,” and “if you’re not great, you’re nothing!” are solid options. Only after you feel sufficiently hyped-up may you enter the rink.

The trick is to start with your hands and knees planted firmly on the ice, like an Olympic sprinter. For the best results, direct your field of gaze downwards; more advanced skaters should be closing their eyes completely. I find that tuning out my surroundings allows me to fully immerse myself in the experience. Skating aids, such as seals or walkers, are a disgrace to the art of skating as a whole. Under no circumstances should a beginner use one. The harder you make it for yourself in the beginning, the faster you’ll progress.

Correct technique is simple; imagine you’re running, using a shuffle-chop method to propel your body forward—none of that side-to-side crap. I find that it’s helpful to imagine yourself being chased through the woods by a rather large animal—in my experience, bears are best. Remember, if at any point you need to take a break, don’t. But if you absolutely must, feel free to pop a squat directly in the middle of the rink where the figure skaters practice their jumps. They’re all alone out there, so I’m sure they’d love some company.

Mabel’s Three Skating Essentials:

1. Helmets

These bad boys are a must. What’s the good in learning something new if you won’t be able to remember it afterwards? As someone who’s sustained thirteen concussions, give or take, I’ve learned to protect my noggin—the good stuff, if you will.

2. Shades

Ice glare is real, and I’m sick of the skating community pretending it’s not. The sinister combination of fluorescent overhead lighting and freshly-zambonied ice can easily cause eye damage; if you want to keep your retinas, protect them (preferably using Pit Vipers). Plus, looking and feeling confident is a great way to assert yourself at the rink—you never know what kind of competition you’ll run into or what kind of people you’ll need to impress. I once ran into Wayne Gretsky at the Kraken Community Iceplex. At least, it looked an awful lot like him. Come to think of it, he was cleaning the bathroom…

3. Canadian Citizenship

As for skill level: half of it is based on natural talent, and the other half depends on whether or not you care deeply about the Stanley Cup’s outcome. Call us Canadians “pushovers” all you want, but let me assure you, we never fall on the ice.

Now that we’ve covered everything of major importance, go rent some skates and knock yourself out! But tread lightly, the medical bills pile up quicker than you can say, “triple axel.”