Dear Dawgs,
T-Minus 17 days until New Years AKA smooching time. Ever since I was a wee lad I’ve been obsessed with the idea of a New Years kiss, even going so far as to practice on my Cynthia Erivo poster. However when it comes down to it, I never get a kiss. My usual tactic of lurking around all the single people 30 minutes before the countdown starts never seems to work and most of the time I end up getting thrown out of the party. I’m completely helpless. Will these lips ever meet another? Please give me advice or just a set of smackers I can show a good time come New Years.
Sincerely,
Mistle-toad
Dear Mistle-toad,
While your enthusiasm is appreciated, you’re already too late for this year. Scoping out the scene only 30 minutes before you strike is light-work, we suggest you start planning now for next year’s attack. It’s time to start e-stalking. Take inventory of every couple with matching bios and make sure to check every day to see if they’ve taken each other’s initials out. Secondly, don’t be afraid to make some enemies. We on The Messenger believe that if a home can be wrecked, the foundation was never stable. If all else fails, cosmetic enhancements are always an option. Make it so people can’t help but look at those smackers.
Good Luck,
Dawgs
Dear Dawgs,
Ever since I started driving to school I have been terrified of parking in the back-ins. I’m a good driver (I think) but something about the back-ins makes my stomach do backflips. Last week I got to school super early to finally give it a try so I don’t have to walk ten blocks to school from my parking spot in the cold. I thought it would be fine if I got there early so I didn’t have to worry about getting a spot, let alone being able to park in said spot. When I got there there were only about six cars parked. I decided I would pick a spot next to that pink Betty Boop ice cream truck that has been parked in the back-ins since June. I started off strong (so I thought) everything looked great from my backup camera’s point of view. But then I hear a horrible scratching sound. I realized I was way too close to that little pink Betty Boop ice cream truck. I pulled back out and looked at my car and the “truck.” My worst nightmare had come true. Now my Prius has a giant pink scuff across the side. I have no idea how to cope with this immense embarrassment. Help!
Sincerely,
Pink and Pissed
Dear Pink and Pissed,
Personally, I have no problem with backing in so I don’t really know how to sympathize with you. Also that ‘little pink Betty Boop ice cream truck’ is all that’s left of my great-great-great grandmother’s and I drive it every day to honor her, so this is all really messed up if you think about it.
– Dawgs
