Dear dawgs,
I have been training night and day to make this bowling team. Countless hours spent on Wii bowling practicing the perfect strike. I’ve given up everything for bowling; running away from my home in Yakima, going radio silent, all to come to Garfield, the four time bowling state champion. Garfield has raised legendary bowlers such as Katie Fiso, and Sarah Lessig. I NEED to make this team. Please, I’ll take any advice!!
Sincerely, Ballsy Bowler
Dear Ballsy Bowler,
Ok, the first thing you’re going to do is go to yoga class. Become one with the ball, reach your inner zen. Once you feel like the ball, you need to look like the ball. Visit your local drugstore and get at least seven to eight bottles of vegetable oil. This is to cover yourself until you shine like a bowling ball, for best results make sure you can see your reflection without any flaws (cause you don’t have any ;P). Now that you fit the part, roll yourself down that alley queen! With full control over your new ball, you can sprawl out when you near the pins, knocking each one down with your four limbs!
Hope this helps, Dawgs
Dear Dawgs,
All my friends are dating, but I never have. How do you find someone and get that going?
Sincerely, Lonely Lucas
Dear Lonely Lucas,
Relationships are the single most meaningful thing in your life… Whether it’s for a date to a dance, a free meal, or some new instagram content, having a boo is of utmost importance. Now how do you get one? These days, all teenagers care about is looks. For the sought after chiseled jaw or perfect smile, look no further than cosmetic surgery. Put aside that Shakespeare essay and book a nose job. Second on the list is personality. If a significant other is your aim, nonchalance is your game. Speaking as little as possible is HOT. Everyone loves a mystery. Replace every reply with a slick phrase like “type sh*t” or “that tough” and the baddies will flock. Once you find a honeybun, the final step is to make sure you ask these 5 key questions on your first date.
- Do you want kids?
- Are you over your ex?
- How much do you weigh?
- Did you bring a condom?
- Will you be my significant other? <3
You’re welcome, Dawgs
