Dear Dawgs,
Being cheated on by a Spokanite hey mamas lesbian has severely altered my perception of reality… I mean… SPOKANE? Come on now, who am I? Is this what I’ve become? I need an elaborate revenge plan and I know The Messenger can get the job done. Any ideas on how to get back at my redhead-loving ex?
Sincerely, Livid Lesbian
Dear Livid Lesbian,
Spokane is a crazy place. Personally, I would have seen it coming. However, if you want to get her back the best way might be to make yourself into a clone of the mistress. Since she seems to have a thing for redheads, hit up your local Walgreens and grab the brightest red hair dye you can find. Since she didn’t know the difference when cheating on you, it’s sure to be the perfect disguise. Then, drive to her house blasting your favorite revenge playlist, The Messenger recommends “These Boots Are Made For Walkin’” by Nancy Sinatra. Finally, walk your fine ass up to her car, pour some sugar in her gas tank and plant some earrings, lip gloss, ect, so your ex’s mistress thinks there is a new someone else… Hopefully that gives your ex what she deserves, but honestly, this is what happens when you date someone from Spokane.
Sincerely, Dawgs
Dear Dawgs,
I typically eat lunch with my friends on the lower field, but ever since an altercation over my cafeteria pizza slice, the crows have been dive bombing me. I now have to eat lunch in the Teen Health center while I recover. Although the Teen Health center has wonderful hospitality, I’m ready to reclaim my rightful lunch spot.
Sincerely, Pecked-up Piper
Dear Pecked-up Piper,
I’ve seen many cases like this before. First you need to be the bigger chick and let that pizza go. Second, in order to erase your face from their impeccable memory you’ll need to get your craft on, and paper mache a human sized bird costume with feathers and all. To seal the deal on your costume, you will need to hand code and build a bird poop dispenser to certify to the crows that you’re the real deal. I’m sure Ms. Meyers’ computer science classroom would be a perfect place to start. Now finally, as Billie Eilish says you’ve got to stick together like birds of a feather. Get out your glue and get sticking! Practice and prepare your own unique mating dance to wow the crow-ettes. Note: if you’re struggling to choreograph your dance, the Rio movie is a great place to find inspiration.
Sincerely, Dawgs
