From pitching tents to ritualistic sacrifices, Post 84 has recently been unveiled as a nonprofit organization harboring cultish activity. Two rehabilitated members came out with information that defames the once-ultra-popular camp in a tell-all.

Sophomores Clay Stauffer and Neha Olivar recount the trauma, isolation, and absurdity they endured while surviving Post. “I mean everybody says it is a cult, but I didn’t realize it actually is,” Olivar said. By laughing off the accusations, Post staff are able to remain under the radar. “I mean, now it makes sense. What two words have four letters, one vowel, and end with a ‘t’? ‘Cult’ and ‘Post’.”

“The initiation is probably where I should have realized things were… strange,” 16-year-old Stauffer started. He went on to explain that new staff members of the organization are blindfolded and dropped off in the woods with just a tent, forced to survive with exclusively natural resources. When contacted, Post stated that this was only a group bonding exercise and that, contrary to Stauffer’s allegations, they had left them with a year’s worth of Trail Mix. “We had to resort to cannibalism.” Stauffer salivated, licking his lips. “After the first few days, the group got hungry. Really hungry…” Olivar interjected, eyes glazed over, “not even Ozempic could keep us satiated.” Only three of the 14 campers returned after the month in the wilderness.

Regrettably, there’s more: once/if they’ve survived the initiation process, campers are introduced to something called ‘Kitchen Baby,’ a God-like figure that reigns over Post in the form of a defaced baby doll. Kitchen Baby itself lives in the camp kitchen and accepts offerings of carabiners, granola bars, and Nalgenes. While the origins of the mythical being are unclear, the borderline dangerous devotion is extremely apparent. “Blood sacrifices are made during campfire rituals,” Stauffer claimed. These rituals include hours of chanting around a bonfire deep in the wilderness followed by friendship bracelet making and “Post preaches.” Post preaches are speeches led by group leaders, preaching the “paradise” that is Post, often with similar vocabulary to Jim Jones of Jonestown. Don’t drink the Kool-Aid.

The weekends spent with the Post community stay with you forever–literally. At any chance of escape, the devout members who call themselves ‘staff’ corner you; in the hallways, in advisory, maybe even in the bathroom, Post leaders are constantly recruiting (and allegedly planning expansion across all of SPS). Staff really take their slogan, “Leave No Trace (of unsuccessful indoctrination)”, to heart. If you come into contact with a Post kid, you are guaranteed to become one within the calendar school year. Olivar attested: “I first found out about Post through a mutual friend. Now all my friends are in Post. There is no trace of life before Post.” And it’s even impossible to escape through doomscrolling. After a Post trip, staff takes to social media to make an obligatory ‘post POST post’ that no one asked for.

To all who are still indoorsy, heed this warning. To all involved with Post, have fun on Lopez!