Dear Maya Normousbutt, 

I’m a sophomore registering for classes and 

I don’t particularly like school. I need a 

class schedule with a preschool, crayon 

drawing and naptime vibe. I’m looking for easy 

breezy classes with chill teachers. 

Help! 

• Signed-out sophomore 

Dear Signed-out sophomore, 

If you’re looking for an easy pass try AP 

Chemistry. It’s all experiments and minimal 

worksheets. Think of a blend between making mud 

soup and your middle school science class experiments. 

If you’re looking for the perfect blend of sciences try 

pairing it with AP Biology for the maximum experience. 

We also recommend AP US History and AP Language Arts. 

For added enjoyment, email your counselor and 

specifically request Mr. Lovre and Mr. Truax. Wishing you 

the easy breezy junior year of your dreams!

• Maya Normousbutt 

Dear Maya Normousbutt, 

I am so bored of the same old bulldog mascot!

Look, we all love Spike but, I have to ask where the 

representation is for other animals! The bulldog is cool 

for Garfield and all, but also for Ellensburg, Okanogan 

Pasco, Stevenson, and the list goes on! Where’s the 

creativity? Where are the unique animals? Like the banana 

slug! I wholeheartedly believe that having the slug as our 

new mascot will really bring a newfound energy and speed 

to our sports teams. How do I go about making the banana 

slug our new school mascot? 

Sincerely, 

• Cuckoo Bananas (slug) 

Dear Cuckoo Bananas (slug), 

Wow! This sounds like a dog-gone-crazy idea! But, 

if you’re super passionate about it, we recommend a 

challenge to measure the key features of a good mascot. 

We would recommend challenging Spike to a dance and 

sing-off, pitch-perfect style. Let them slug it out, and may the 

best dawg win! 

• Maya Normousbutt 

Dear Maya Normousbutt, 

I am in dire circumstances! I have had horrid senioritis 

since freshman year and it’s only gotten worse! I am 

having such a hard time staying in school and I’ve used 

every possible excuse in the book! What do you do when 

your absences reach four digits? Send help! 

• Retiree 

Dear Retiree, 

Know that you’re not alone. Lots of students struggle

with coming to class often enough to pass. Our best 

advice is to drive to your nearest garden and find a 

stack of bricks to carefully place in your backpack. The 

heavier the better! The more your feet drag to school 

the harder it becomes to leave. We wish you luck, 

but when in doubt always go for the classic doctor’s note! 

• Maya Normousbutt