Aries:

Uh oh, did you have another tantrum and slap the bosom off the youth pastor again?! Silly you, though it’s to be expected with your cray cray temper. You should never be held accountable for your actions, duh. Have fun scaring everyone away with your wild attention seeking tendencies, you quirky girly-pop indie girl you!

Taurus:

Prepare to be betrayed this week, Taurus. Using Chat GPT for all your assignments is finally catching up to you. Remember when you threw a piece of salami on Mr. Kolk’s head at last year’s Winter Waltz? Yeah, Karma’s a beach, and you will get sand in your swimsuit. Your other horny friend Satan is on his way to smite you all the way down to hell, have fun!

Gemini:

You’re gonna be incredibly unlucky this week. NY Times Connections is extra hard just for you. The lunch staff will only give you buffalo sauce pizza for lunch. You’ll find gum in your hair, on your shoes, and stuck on the butt of your favorite pair of jeans. Your partner will find out about all your sneaky links. You’ll turn into a frog but no one will kiss you. Worst of all, both sides of your pillow will be warm tonight. Cry about it.

Cancer:

On the other hand, Cancers, you’re gonna have the best week of your life. Your teachers will accidentally give you an A+ on three assignments you never did. You’ll find 4,000 bucks in cash in your pocket. Fit is fire, booty is poppin. The stars must think you’re cute. Oh also, stop being a crybaby and smile more. You’re scaring people. 

Leo:

Your proud, lioness personality might bite you in the ass this week, Leos. Consider being nicer to people, (I know- crazy idea,) and maybe good things will come to you. With that big lion’s mane covering your ears, no wonder you have no volume control. The only big thing about you is your massive ego and all that yapping, so focus on getting that in check before you explode. 

Virgo:

The stars tell me you Virgos have been stressinggg. But nobody needs to hear “oH My gOd iM sUcH a VirGo mY oCD is CraZy.” Literally shut up. No one cares that you like to be organized stop making it everyone else’s problem you actual insane person. “I like all my pencils organized this specific way,” or “I like my socks in alphabetical order.” Learn what an intrusive thought is. 

Libra: 

Libras, even the stars are sitting in excruciating boredom as they watch you debate with yourself over which ice cream flavor to get. Come on, channel your people-pleasing tendencies to help you panic yourself into a decision. The stars would rather die in a supernova than endure this any longer, it’s not that deep. You don’t want to waste the stars’ time now do you? It’s a flipping Omnipotent being, panic about that. 

Scorpio:

Scorpios, what the flippity dip man. It is NOT okay to pillage the houses of people who wronged you. There’s this silly little thing called restraint and I suggest you use it!! Now please remove your fist from the old man who called you sweetheart. Maybe it’s time to get a pet scorpion. You’ll finally have a friend who really understands you. Someone you don’t need to manipulate to hang out with you. 

Sagittarius:

It’s time to release all constraints, socially, physically, mentally and spiritually. Be free like thy arrow from thy quiver. This week you Sagittarius’s should focus on yourself and expand your horizons. There’s nothing holding you back so explore your options and be risky! Just be sure to clear your search history. Nobody needs to see that. 

Capricorn:

This week you’ll get butt-dialed unusually often. You should be excited though, it’ll be the most purposeful conversations you’ll have in years. Except the call from Florida, don’t answer that. They just wanna say they’re proud of you for sticking with your republican boyfriend. Also y’all have the dumbest space mascot, it’s just a goat with a fishtail. 

Aquarius:

This week is a time of rest for you Aquarius humans. Spend your days watching cat videos and eating double stuff chocolate Oreos. Be as unproductive as you please. It’s okay because effort is the driving force behind capitalism. Slay queen boss biatch queen, slay king, strut that runway. Suck it to all those redneck capitalistic mother truckers. PLEASE stop making those jokes, we get it, you’re gay. 

Pisces: 

Get ready for a fishy week for you Pisces out there. Take that as you will, overthinkers. Look over your shoulder, I dare you. Oh I forgot it’s happening. Did you not hear about it?? Wow, they must’ve not told you for a reason. No, maybe it’s because they hate you. Does your mom actually love you or is she just doing it because she technically has to. Does anyone love you? What are you?? What are we?? WHY WON’T THE VOICES STOP.