The Messenger, Garfield’s newspaper class, and The Arrow, Garfield’s yearbook class, recently decided to hold an Olympic-style competition to settle an ancient rivalry. Here’s a summary of the events:
100-Meter Dash:
Competitors from both publications had their heads down and their bodies tensed in preparation for the starter’s call. When the buzzer sounded The Messenger’s racers erupted from the starting blocks and rocketed towards the finish, while The Arrow’s racers continued to hunch over the track, engrossed in their phones. Mr. Lovre threatened to confiscate their electronics if they didn’t attempt to catch up, but The Arrow’s competitors were in a heated game of ranked Brawl Stars and couldn’t be bothered.
Deadlines Met:
In another landslide competition, The Messenger continued to release its issues on a bi-weekly schedule, while the yearbook once again pushed its once-a-year issue’s release date further back because of “unforeseen delays.” This win goes to The Messenger.
Hotdog Eating:
What a close race this one was! The Messenger continued in their usual fashion by going slow and steady, but they did not win the race. The Arrow’s practice of cramming things in right before the buzzer really came in handy. Arrow editors guzzled glizzies like never before. Downing dogs, slurping sausages, bathing in bratwursts, and gobbling grilled goods to a close finish.
Culinary Arts:
From the very start, it was clear who would win this one. Much like their spelling in last year’s issue, The Arrow was not cooking. While Messenger journalists hustled and got their ingredients fast, The Arrow’s personnel were moving so slowly you might think it was a baking competition, if you catch my drift. At the end of the allotted time, it was clear that The Arrow was cooked and The Messenger cheffed up another victory.
Murder Mystery:
In a quirkier competition, staff from the two publications agreed to play a murder-mystery game. After sizing up the scene the competitors dispersed to uncover more about the crime. The Messenger made quick work of it, using superior organization, communication, time management, and interview skills to parse the case. The Arrow staff followed their time-honored adherence to concision and asked witnesses to “describe the murder in three words,” or asked, “What was your favorite part of the murder?” Unsurprisingly, the questionable and overused strategy to describe Garfield clubs and teams failed to yield meaningful clues. Another slam dunk for The Messenger.
Beach Volleyball:
Boy did this one get hot, and I’m not talking about the temperature. With The Messenger team’s muscles glistening in the sun, beach volleyball hasn’t looked this good since Top Gun. However, the other side seemed more akin to limp noodles than people. With flawless sets and spikes the ball never touched the ground in Messenger territory, but was stuck on The Arrow’s side. With both sets ending 21-0, the only question is why The Arrow bothered trying in the first place.
We told The Arrow that they could write out an event summary to go in the article but they asked for a two-week extension and wanted to charge 60$ to read it.