Folks, the time has come yet again, when we send seven of our own out into the great unknown. Yes, it’s that time of year again when seven of our bravest lady dawgs must walk out into the darkness, to bring law (and respect for women) to the lawless and battle the horrid hordes of O’dea High. It’s a sad time of year, as we bid farewell to the unlucky winners of our dreaded lottery, but one of hope too. Hope that our efforts in exposing Odea’s population to real women will succeed. That one day this danger, barely kept in check by the superior might of our sports teams, may pass, and the inhabitants of that dark citadel will finally be able to rejoin polite society and be normal to girls at state quarterfinal basketball games.
This weekend saw the unveiling of the latest set of ceremonial weapons each brave warrior will be given for their journey. Forged by our foremost shop students in the heat of the Skill Centers Wood Technology Center, each represents an integral part of the Garfield spirit. Spike’s Dog Collar, gilded with sterling silver and capable of extending to any length, embodies the true dawg energy that fuels our righteous quest. The Gauntlets of Power, the left purple and the right white, protect our Warriors with the power of the Garfield community. The Valorant Vape that puffs cotton capable of driving away all thinking, smelling beings in a 20-foot radius. Even armed with these, the seven have a hard task ahead of them. We wish them luck!
This year sees our first volunteer since 2016. Maria Martine, junior, has stepped up to be chosen as one of the seven Garfield Warriors. If you think that name sounds familiar, you’d be right. Martines aunt Andrea was one of the first Garfield Warriors, the first seven ever sent to face the Odea hordes, immortalized forever on a banner in the gym. Yes, that’s what those banners are for if you were wondering. We caught up with Maria after one of her sparring sessions to chat, “My aunt was one of the finest fighters Garfield has ever seen,” she told us, “Her blood runs in my veins and to lead the charge into the O’dea’s hordes, I’ll need it. I will finish what she started. It’s not just a matter of pride; it’s for my family.” Well, we wish her, and all the rest of this year’s Garfield Warriors good luck and happy hunting! Remember to get your tickets to the farewell ceremony and your commemorative “I visited the O’dea exclusion zone and all I got was this lousy shirt” tee.
