Warning: Health experts state that more than 400mg of caffeine per day can be dangerous. Please do not exceed this amount!
Alani “Kimade” – 11/10 (200mg caffeine)
This was my favorite by far. Its subtly sweet flavor of strawberry lemonade was refreshing and not overpowering, enhanced by a light bubbly fizz. The packaging and drink were a calming pale pink, giving a classy feel instead of the usual I’m-exhausted-I-need-caffeine desperation of an energy drink. I can picture myself drinking a cold Kimade on a tropical vacation as I lounge on the beach, the sound of crashing waves in the distance.
Ghost “Warheads Sour Watermelon” – 8/10 (150mg caffeine)
I bought this one expecting to be disgusted but was pleasantly surprised by the accuracy of the flavor. It was bright, zingy, and actually sour – not the sickeningly sweet sludge that most “sour” drinks turn out to be. However, I was a bit put off by the insanely neon packaging right in my face. I’d rather drink a regular coffee than tote around a can that looks like a poison dart frog.
Monster “Mango Loco” – 7/10 (150mg caffeine)
A solid energy drink. It tasted surprisingly natural, almost like some organic juice you’d buy from PCC for $10. Unfortunately, the super chemically aftertaste ruined any illusions of naturalness and reminded me that, in fact, I was consuming some pretty scary stuff. Even so, I would buy this again just for the initial mango flavor.
NO5 “High Performance Original” – 5/10 (160mg caffeine)
This tasted like a murky mixture of tropical and citrus-ish syrups. It was way too sweet, overpowering, and a truly disappointing flavor. I’d at least like to know what the flavor is supposed to be, but there was no clue to be found on the packaging. Furthermore, I have absolutely zero confidence in NO5’s “high performance” and “enhanced mental focus” sales pitches, seeing as I – yet again – didn’t hear a single word my English teacher said. Try again, NO5.
Bang “Delish Strawberry Kiss” – 3/10 (300mg caffeine)
The only way to describe the consistency of this potion is thick. There’s no way that scientists would label it a liquid; it’s more oobleck-ian, straddling that mystifying line between solid and water. After my initial horror at the texture, I was doubly disgusted by the pungent sweetness and complete lack of strawberry flavor. This drink is to strawberries like white chocolate is to 100% cacao – nowhere close. In my opinion, Bang’s chemists need to taste a fresh strawberry and go right back to the drawing board.
Wired “Berry Rush” – 0/10 (344mg caffeine)
As someone who gets twitchy off a swig of Celcius, I was immediately wary of this drink due to its insanely high caffeine content There’s no way that a whopping 344mg wouldn’t kill a small child. If I’m going to be living at 2x speed for the next few days I might as well enjoy the drink, but this one was a no-go. It had no berry flavor whatsoever and just tasted like blinding purple dye, which I could practically feel running through my bloodstream after a single sip. I’d much rather fall asleep on the most important day of AP Calc than drink another one of these weapons.
