Aries: WAA WAA Aries grow up. Not everything is about you and your 7 year old emotional intelligence. I’ll shut up now before you throw a temper tantrum but seriously GET A GRIP.

Taurus: C’mon Taurus not everyone is out to get you! You’re the squirrel of the zodiacs, meaning you will NOT let anything go. Try to loosen up a little? 

Gemini: Shhh Gemini, not everyone needs to hear all the lies about how cool your life is. Do you even know what parts of your life are true and not? Hmm, I thought so… 

Cancer: How are you actually doing Cancer? You pride yourself on being the supportive mom friend when in real life you’re a master emotional manipulator. Oops sorry, that hit too deep and you’re definitely crying right now. 

Leo: Drip, Drip, Drip. Oh, what’s that Leo? Probably your molten liquid ego drowning everyone around you. I guess we’re nothing compared to your multifaceted personality and dangerously good looks. 

Virgo: Screech. Eesh Virgo, you should really oil those gears, especially the gears in your a**. As a credible astrologist, there is not one Virgo who doesn’t have incredibly unrealistic expectations for everything in their life. Dang Virgo, take a BREAK!

Libra: Oooo Libraaa… Wooh! I almost fell under your love spell where you will first juice me for compliments and then ghost me. As your Snapchat ho*s grow, your victim list grows as well. BEWARE! Libras have no mercy for gentle hearts. 

Scorpio: AHH! Oh sorry, that was just your terrifying intense personality and lack of social connection. I wouldn’t be surprised if you, Scorpios, were an alien race wearing human skin suits and sleeping in cacoons. 

Sagittarius: Sheesh Sagittarius! I’ve never seen someone run faster from their personal responsibilities than a Sag. Zoom! Off again! See you probably NEVER! 

Capricorn: Bahahahahaha! Oh no! The evil laughter that repeatedly plays in your brain as you build an empire of people you will later exploit for social gain! Do you actually have empathy Capricorn? 

Aquarius: Weirdoooo! You’re the weirdest and quirkiest horoscope of them alllll. You’re so misunderstood and nobody in the entire world will EVER be like you. Oh man Aquarius, I’m sure you’re individuality complex LOVED hearing that. 

Pisces: Ughhh Pisces. No, I don’t want to hear about how your favorite TV show character died and that you’ve been crying for 4 days because of it. You are the weighted blanket of the zodiacs, you hold people down as they wallow in YOUR own sadness. 

Art by Ria Maisano-Torres