Below is a compilation of quotes from Garfield science teacher Zachary Shaw which students have collected over the past two years. We have taken great care to select those quotes which are most representative of a typical Shaw lecture.* To those high-schoolers who have not had Mr. Shaw as a teacher: we hope these will convince you to sign up for one (or two or three) of his amazing classes. Without further ado, the best of Shaw:

1. “I am basically a house pet.”
2. “In my car, I do have a case of emergency googly eyes.”
3. “When I get my vest on I feel invincible. I am INFATUATED with vests.”
4. “Watch me make a mistake, here I go!! YEAH!”
5. “Cause one time I woke up in Mr. Johnson’s room—wait… no… oh no…”
6. “If anybody in your life tells you they know what potential energy is, they’re lying!”
7. “By the way, my prom experience was a double replacement reaction.”
8. “And more energy came out! Now where the hell—sorry, heck! My apologies, that just went from G to hard G. No not PG, hard G. Again, my apologies. I feel bad now. Anyway, where the HECK did the energy go?”

9. “I’ve taught biology before—it was a crime against humanity.”
10. “You’ll devour each other like rabid wolves!”
11. “I know you think this is a fanny pack. It’s not—it’s a side-holster.”
12. “My mom paid a lifeguard to kick me down the slide—true story.”
13. [Isn’t able to find a marker] “I swear Mr. Johnson eats these pens.”
14. “I’m a hippie in hiding.”
15. “When Yatin supports me it must mean I’ve failed in some way.”

16. “Did Mr. Shaw have a blond flattop in high school? Yes, he did. Are there pictures? You will never see them.”
17. “I read a book about memes. So I’m pretty knowledgeable.”
18. [Shrugs] “Blood is thicker than hot dogs.”
19. “I’m not in the Gucci gang but I would like to be, how do you join?”
20. “The only reason I shave is because my mom yells at me when I come home for Christmas.”

Many thanks to Mr. Shaw for making this article possible and for being such a spirited and outstanding teacher!

*Note: Mr. Shaw’s lectures also contain course-relevant information, contrary to what the reader may believe after perusing the above quotes.