Photos by Toby Tran

After four slappin’ years of high school, we are ready to pass the torch of knowledge to the future: you. As varsity captains of Garfield teams and editors of the Messenger, we have experienced and lived through every possible scenario that could occur: failed tests, skipped class, won trophies, checked out a library book, and pooped inside school walls. With this in mind, read our advice carefully and thoughtfully since we are graduating and will not be available for you mortals much longer. Amen.

How many absences is too many?

I epitomize the second semester senior and am one of the most credible sources for the topic of absences. Coming at you with a whopping 160 absences, I can tell you that it is important to pick and choose when to go to class. I do not skip to avoid work. I use it as a resource to expand my knowledge in other aspects of life. School gets increasingly hard to go to as a senior when the weather gets nicer and this Fortnite stage has not helped, but my advice to you all is to suck it up and go to school.
Love, Josh

My significant other has recently begun treating me in an odd way, not unlike a canine. It wasn’t so bad when she began taking me for daily walks, but now that she insists in disposing of my feces in a plastic bag. I have began to dread spending time with her. What am I to do?

It sounds like you are seeing this change in behavior as a handicap to enjoying time with your partner. However, when I first read your question, I felt an innate, deep sense of envy; this behavior is actually a compliment to you, since it shows how strongly your significant other sees your relationship. Dogs are literally bred to be man’s best friend. Dogs and their owners never get in petty arguments about who’s snapchatting who’s ex, or if someone forgot your anniversary. The relationship between a dog and their owner is an unbreakable bond and will only be broken the day one of you dies. So basically, you’re cuffed for life.
Cheers, Sydney

What’s your biggest regret from high school?

Sydney: Turning in my volunteer hours. I never want to graduate 🙁
Josh: Never starting my club “Dream On.” This club where people are able to talk about the dreams you have at night with your friends had the potential to be one of Garfield’s all-time great clubs. It still made it in my college app though…

How do I talk to girls without sweating?

Josh: Deodorant, deodorant, deodorant. And practice. I personally spend 3 minutes everyday practicing in the mirror. Also I use my mom as a resource because she technically counts as a girl and she best simulates the situation at hand. Lastly, I recommend looking at yourself firmly in the eye and saying “I am a strong confident young man,” every day before school.
Sydney: What is sweat?

What’s the best bathroom in Garfield?

Sydney: The southwest corner of the track. It’s most commonly used by the soccer boys cause they aren’t in shape enough to run to the bathroom during practice, however it’s technically gender-neutral. Although there isn’t any toilet paper, you get a nice refreshing breeze every time you use this toilet.
Josh: I am very passionate about this issue and after years of trial and error and searching for hidden bathrooms, I have discovered that the best all-around bathroom is located in the nurse’s office. If you are able to find a way into the nurse’s office (I recommend drawing red dots all over yourself) then you will be rewarded with a clean, spacious, well lit bathroom made from heaven.

What is Garfield’s best quality?

Its lack of a dress code. Oh wait…

Migos or the Migos?

Migos. We are very rigid on this standpoint and will not accept any other answers.
XO Josh and Sydney

How many AP courses can I take while also participating in extracurricular activities without becoming overwhelmed?

For athletes, we would recommend three maximum. For those with jobs, two maximum. AP classes tend to give out a lot of homework, so you need to make time to complete the extracurriculars, do homework, and get sufficient sleep. Most who have 4+ APs are sleep-deprived, cranky, and have difficulty obtaining a social life (JK but actually taking a lot of AP’s can be a lot of work).
Happy studying, Josh & Sydney

At what point in my high school career can I give up on dressing well?

Syd: It depends on the standard you set for yourself. I spent multiple hours figuring out what I would wear for my first day of high school, so I screwed myself over for the next four years since everyone expected me to look as jaw-dropping as I did that day. Nonetheless, executive order #10 in our spanking new dress code policy (which people are surprisingly good at following) states as follows: “Every senior shalt weareth college gear every day until they graduateth to make sure EVERYONE knoweth whereth they resideth next autumn.” So you’re off the hook then.

Josh: My first three years of high school I focused on my outfits a good amount. I wanted to look good to impress my friends and in general I felt better and more confident when I was dressed well. But senior year is a completely different situation. You can catch me walking in the hall wearing Uggs slippers nearly every other day. Honestly shout out Uggs. I feel as though their male shoe selection does not get the credit it deserves.

Who is the best would be teacher couple?

We strongly support “Shawnson”, which is the ship name for Mr. Shaw and Mr. Johnson. They are clearly in love and our sources say they frequently have late-night home calls. On a physical level, their hair balances each other out; Mr. Shaw could donate a few of his luscious locks to Mr. Johnson’s shiny noggin. Will this romance cause a reaction in the science department? We think they have great chemistry!
Sosh and Jydney