After months of pushing, shoving, and shouting, in the lunch lines, Admin is cracking down. Students will now be required to create an account on the MySchoolLunch app where they can customize their lunch preferences. Scans of their faces will be taken as they enter the line, so that their movements can be tracked by facial recognition cameras.

The mastermind behind this scheme is school lunch consultant Dr. Wolfe Saunders. “My masterpiece, my magnum opus, is a masterwork of lines. Every single detail, each camera, they are all carefully attuned notes in perfect harmony.” Dr. Saunders said, “The real stroke of genius is the AirTags in the chocolate milk. That way if somebody is taking extra milks and swallows more than one Airtag, we’ll see the AirTags moving around together. We’re still working on how to get the AirTags back after they come out the other end.” 

Dr. Saunders’ actions have brought him criticism in the school lunch consultancy industry. “I know we aren’t always taken seriously, but our business is just as important as any other, and nepo-babies like Dr. Saunders really devalue that. This guy has three food fights happen on his watch, gets put on leave for serving evil green beans and then all of a sudden he gets hired as lead lunch coordinator at the school where his uncle is the choir teacher?” an anonymous source said.