Dear Dawgs,
Every single time I walk through the hallway I’m assaulted by slow walkers. Idiots just stand in the middle of intersections and I fight the urge to punch them and start a full out brawl every passing period. It’s getting to the point where I can’t control the voices anymore. I may have a past problem with anger issues but I feel like that’s been resolved so I don’t know why this is a problem. Dawgs I desperately need your help, how do I find inner peace when braving the Garfield hallways, I don’t know what to do.
Sincerely,
Wrathful Walker
Dear Wrathful Walker,
Although my intrusive thoughts say inflicting a massacre during passing period isn’t so bad, I don’t think that would go over well with Dr. Fart. So instead I recommend purchasing a neon vest and a whistle and becoming a traffic director. You should also enforce a speed minimum; PTA will 100% invest money for you to get signage posted in the hallway to enforce proper hallway walking. To also get that bag you can enforce fines to students who don’t follow the speed limit and walk on the incorrect side of the hallway.
Much love,
Dawgs
Dear Dawgs,
I have a massive friend crush. There is this one girl in my AP LANG class who is the coolest person I’ve ever met but every time I try to befriend her, my words come out wrong and I look so stupid. Yesterday I asked her if she likes ketchup or mustard better and then proceeded to ramble on about condiments until I gave up and shamefully walked away. It’s getting to the point where my social skills regress to how bad they were during COVID. I’ve embarrassed myself so much that I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t be able to differentiate me from a neanderthal. What do I do to fix this?
Highly concerned,
Platonic Suitor
Dear Platonic Suitor,
Worry not! I’m positive you are not alone. The best plan of action is to observe her and see where you guys are similar to have more talking points. And further change everything about yourself to be like her. She uses 0.9 mechanical pencils? So do you. Notice her walking style? That’s how you walk now. She takes the 48 bus to get home. You take that bus everyday too. Soon enough she’ll notice how eerily similar the two of you are and realize that you are destined to be friends. Copying every aspect of her life is a sure-fire way to ensure your friendship. Birds of a feather flock together!
Best,
Dawgs
