Dear Dawgs,
My friends keep saying I have a doppelganger walking around the hallways. Like, everywhere I go, they’re like, “Whoa, I didn’t know you had a twin!” I can’t deny the fact that it bears some resemblance to me, but here’s the thing—they look like they’ve been hit by the ugly stick twice. Should I be worried that there’s some alternate-universe version of me out there ruining my street cred and overdrawing my face card?
Sincerely,
One out of two
Dear One out of two,
This is definitely a serious problem. It’s hard for me to imagine having this problem, as any look-alike for me would have to be astonishingly beautiful, but I’ll try anyway. How your identical from another testicle looks is pretty much out of your hands (unless you want to get a little evil), so I would say that your best course of action is probably completely changing yourself so you’re unrecognizable. A new haircut is always a great place to start if you want to make a big statement– I hear the skullet is in style. If you’re really attached to your hair, try a mask! I have been seeing a lot of people around downtown wearing these really nifty animal masks, maybe you should try one of those out if you want to stand apart from your twin from a different sin.
Sincerely,
Dawgs
Dear Dawgs,
March is planned out to be a bad month! The spring equinox is gonna happen and that should be great, but the worm micro-moon is happening right after that. With Venus in retrograde, this is spelling out disaster for my Capricorn moon Pisces sun self. How do I deal with this incoming doom on a budget?
Sincerely,
a concerned Pisces
Dear concerned pisces,
I looked into it and this month really will be a chore for you. Just because we at The Messenger care for our readers oh, so much, I brought out the tarot cards, and long story short, you. are. screwed. With a result like Tower, Hanged Man, Death, and an upside-down Ten of Swords a less experienced psychic might have thought you were already dead. Luckily for you, I know what I’m doing. The only way I can see you getting out of this is crystals. I know you said you were on a budget, but you can find quartz in any gravel pathway. Once you’ve found some, just start rubbing it all over your face, keep it on you at all times, stay away from the numbers six and 13. Last, but not least. avoid worms. They never have your best interest at heart.
Sincerely,
Dawgs
