Congratulations! You’ve made it through high school, and now the world is your oyster. You could go to college, trade school, or get a job, or you could take another path to financial freedom. Here’s a step by step guide to your future.
Tiktok dance your way to fame
Why get a degree when you can earn a blue checkmark, sponsorships, and launch merch? Forget about years of studying for an office job, instead study the art of perfecting perfect spins, and sexy body rolls. Start with what’s popular! Find a trending song, search for the latest dance challenge, and bust out those moves. Try using #MajoringInHashtags or #MyDegreeIsGoingViral. Your journey doesn’t end there. Say goodbye to your social life, because you are now a full-time dance machine. In less than an hour, you could outshine decades of scholarly achievements and go viral with a well-timed booty pop. Watch your follower count rise and money pour in as you twerk your way to the top. Who needs a degree when you’ve got moves?
Note: If Tiktok gets banned, switch to reels.
Marry rich
Do you feel like college is overrated? Why bother with essays and finals when you could be attending exclusive events on private islands? The first step is easy: start studying for the ACT. No, we’re not talking about the American College Test, but your Appearance Charm Tactics. Make sure your bag and clothes compliment the yacht’s interior. Stop speaking standard English and instead speak the language of the rich. Start saying words like Pernicious, Obfuscate, and Acrimonious to describe things that happened in your day. The more you pretend to be like them, the more they’ll think you’re their soulmate. Your sugar daddy – or mommy – is out there, waiting to spoil you like you’ve never been spoiled before. If your rich spouse falls short, don’t worry! There’s always another yacht-owning millionaire ready for your spotlight. Who needs a career when you’ve got a lifetime supply of free vacations?
Start a pyramid scheme
If AP Bio and college apps aren’t working out, consider starting a pyramid scheme. Start with your closest friends and family, they’re more likely to trust you with their savings, especially if you guilt-trip them. When pitching your sales, keep things vague. Use buzzwords like “unlimited cash flow” and “income potential” to inspire confidence in your recruits without inviting questioning. Now the magic happens. Once you’ve gotten enough people on board, keep the momentum going by telling them their success depends on the number of people they recruit. Keep riding the wave of their delusions until, of course, it all crashes. And when it does, don’t worry! By the time the authorities start sniffing around, you’ll have already moved on to your next ‘business opportunity.’ Remember, it’s not a pyramid scheme if you don’t call it one.
Invest in gambling
Why invest in traditional investments like stocks and bonds when you could have much more fun gambling your way to riches with the thrill of rolling dice and drawing cards. First stop: the casino. Start small and earn your stripes in a low-stakes game where you can learn the art of losing all your money, all while feeling like a winner. But, it’s not about the loss; it’s about the experience. Sure, the odds may be stacked against you, but if you walk away with the sweet relief of even a fraction of what you gambled, treat yourself to a celebratory drink from the casino bar! When was the last time you got that exhilarated looking at your 401k?
