Dear Dawgs,
I have recently enrolled in my local badminton tournament to impress the future college emissions officer at Grand Canyon University. Only problem is: I’ve never played. Everytime I consult the web for help I’m bombarded with images of grotesquely jacked men benching 200 smackers while simultaneously hitting suspended sit ups. I have no idea what to do! Should I take the advice and risk dislocating every bone in my body or start scoping out badminton courts in hopes I can eavesdrop on someone’s private lesson. Help a guy out!
Sincerely,
Pubert T. Badminton
Dear Pubert,
The mere fact that you can even lift your fingers to type this message means you’re not training enough. When you committed to that badminton tournament, you committed to spending every waking hour on that grind. Do you think badminton was invented by some sniveling chump, looking for a way to spend their meager existence? News flash freak; it wasn’t. Badminton isn’t for the weak and unprepared such as yourself, it’s for the people willing to put in the work and effort and maybe even shattering a ligament or two. The best piece of advice I can offer you when choosing a workout is how likely you are to develop rhabdomyolysis when it’s done. 
Sincerely,
Dawgs
Dear Dawgs,
For the first time in my sixteen and a half years of life, I have been asked to a school dance! My crush asked me by mowing “Winter Waltz?” into my front yard in the dead of night. Thankfully before my dad could start swinging I saw the writing and was able to stop him just in time. Now the only problem is…not knowing any dance moves. Besides the whip and nae-nae I’m utterly hopeless on the dance floor. Perhaps it’s my lack of rhythm or size 14 shoes, but whenever I step foot on linoleum tile I end up making a fool of myself. I don’t know what to do!!
Sincerely,
Whip n nae-nae warrior
Dear Whip n nae-nae warrior,
I suggest you show off your epic dance moves with pride and conviction. If your date can’t handle it then he ain’t the one. In fact, you need to take it a step further. Talk to as many people you know going to the dance and inform them of the flash mob that will be occurring at 8:30 sharp. Make sure to stand front and center and make searing eye contact with your beau as you whip your way straight into his heart.
Sincerely,
Dawgs
